


Cardigan

by womeninthesequel



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Canon Compliant, F/M, Gen, M/M, Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:35:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27593536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/womeninthesequel/pseuds/womeninthesequel
Summary: "When you are young, they assume you know nothing."Canonverse moments from Remus Lupin's point of view, 1978 through 1995.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 14
Kudos: 36





	Cardigan

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Taylor Swift for being a constant source of inspiration. Stream folklore and cardigan.
> 
> Also thanks to @orderofthepygmypuff and @alrightginger for being the best. <3

_But I knew you, dancing in your Levi’s, drunk under a streetlight_

Sirius Black was drunk.

They all were, at least a little, but Sirius was always louder with it than the others.

Though he claimed the arm across Remus’ shoulder was to keep him close, Remus suspected that it might also have something to do with keeping him standing. His yelled insistence that he didn’t have all that much to drink made the swaying in his steps more obvious.

The full moon was coming in a few days ( _not yet, Moony,_ Sirius reminded him more than once), so Remus had elected to be the most sober one of their group. It required some level of responsibility, but it gave Remus something to think about other than the approaching moon and what they did on the nights when they couldn’t go to the bar and get drunk with their friends.

Sirius kept up an animated conversation with Peter, though Remus couldn’t make much sense of the individual words. He wasn’t sure if he was because of his own brain, slowed by at least two weak beers, despite his initial insistence on water. It might also have been because it was Wormtail and Padfoot, speaking in the fast language they only understood when they had a few too many drinks.

Lily giggled from in front of them with James’ lips in her hair and his ring on her left hand. 

They were always looking for reasons to celebrate. This announcement, however, was big. It would have been cause for a night out, even if they weren’t searching for ways to avoid what was happening around them. 

It was almost normal, Remus decided.

Even if they weren’t in the middle of a war, even if they weren’t members of a secret group bent on destroying the growing threat, even if they were whining about jobs and rent like normal teenagers, they would be celebrating this.

It felt nice.

Spontaneously (or maybe not, since Remus hadn’t really been following the conversation), Sirius ran a few steps ahead of Remus. Peter laughed from beside him. When he got to the couple in front of them, Lily caught his arm. He lifted it to spin her like a reflex. 

Lily’s giggle bubbled into a full laugh.

They were all dressed like muggles. Lily approved all of their outfits before they left for the night, appointing herself the muggle expert for the group. 

She nodded to Sirius’ worn band shirt, one she bought specifically for him last Christmas from her favorite secondhand shop in Cokeworth. Peter knew what he was doing and didn’t need her second look, but he gave her the chance anyway, smiling bashfully when she praised his choice. 

Though she raised a brow at Remus’ selection of a brown cardigan, he also saw her slip one of her own into her bag before they left. She wore jeans, giving James every chance to put his hand in her back pocket and whisper by her ear while they were at the bar. 

“Hey!” James called good-naturedly. “That’s my fiancée!”

“You got her for life, Prongs,” Sirius answered, standing up straight and drawing Lily into a formal waltz position. “I can dance with her for one night. Can’t I, Evans?”

“Of course,” Lily answered, taking a step forward to lead their impromptu performance.

Now, Lily and Sirius danced, fumbling through some basic steps. They might, Remus thought fondly, practice these same steps on steadier feet for the day Lily’s new ring represented. Sirius spun her again. Lily’s answering laugh provided the soundtrack for their dramatic dip.

The Statute of Secrecy kept them from brandishing their wands or Apparating themselves home in plain sight, but it didn’t stop them from making spectacles of themselves.

Peter jogged to catch up to them. James grinned and caught his arm. Remus thought it might be to help them from falling, since they weren’t absolutely sure on their feet. They both laughed, adding another note of happiness to the evening.

“All right, Evans,” James said. “Can I cut in?”

“Of course,” Lily said again. This time, her voice was lower, but it still carried in the night air. 

Sirius took a step back and gave an exaggerated bow.

James’ hands found familiar places on Lily’s waist while she interlocked her fingers behind his neck, her arms on his shoulders. They pressed their foreheads together, instantly in that shared space everyone in their group recognized.

A pang of longing went through Remus.

“What’s wrong, Moony?”

Sirius appeared by his side. Remus watched as Lily tilted her head and kissed James. He heard the muffled start of a laugh when she moved onto her toes to reach him better and tightened her hold to pull him closer to her.

“Nothing,” Remus said. He shook his head. “Should we call a cab?”

Sirius frowned. In one motion so no one else would notice, he put his hand on Remus’ back, beneath the cardigan and against skin.

“Wormtail’s got it.” He nodded toward Peter, who was peering down the road and waiting for a car to pass. A cab might not come by their spot for a little while, but the future Potters didn’t look like they’d be bothered by the wait.

“Lily and James,” Remus said. “It’s good that they… They found each other. In the middle of all this. It’s kind of amazing, isn’t it?”

Sirius’s finger drew an absent pattern on Remus’ skin that was dizzyingly confusing. That pang of longing, the one that always sat behind his heart but didn’t have a name, came again.

Something told him that Sirius felt part of it too.

“It is amazing,” Sirius whispered as his hand went flat against Remus’ back. “But we found each other too.”

Remus wasn’t sure if the _we_ Sirius meant was all of them or more personal.

Honestly, he was too afraid to ask.

“Don’t worry, Moony,” Sirius said. He inched closer and whispered the next part like a secret. “You’re my favorite.”

Remus remembered hours plotting in the dormitory and long full moon nights on the grounds. Unbreakable bonds with illicit spells and betrayal so deep it reached to his bones. 

He remembered Sirius’ grin. Countless jokes and more than a few detentions. The way they were all bonded, held together by trust and secrets. He could hear Sirius’ laugh in his mind and the way he only reined himself in with a word from their best friend. 

They were all mischief makers, all creators of a map and a legacy, but two of them were brothers even more than the rest. James held the love of his life in his arms on another stretch of sidewalk, but Remus knew he would always be in first place to someone else in their group. Romance had nothing to do with it. 

James would always be Sirius’ most important person.

“I’m all right, Padfoot,” Remus said, even though he knew Sirius’ reassurance was a lie. He let himself lean into Sirius. He didn’t know how much of this moment was the drinks or the mood.

For now, it didn’t matter.

\--

_Hand under my sweatshirt, baby, kiss it better_

Remus wasn’t sure how these things started. He wasn’t sure what they were either. 

Sirius whispered, and he listened. 

After a lifetime of suppressing his body’s needs, constantly willing himself to be less, it was a relief to do something his body demanded on an instinctual level.

Dumbledore put so much faith in him that he couldn’t be anything less than thoroughly in control. He couldn’t make the headmaster regret his decision to bring him to school. He couldn’t be loud or brash like his friends. He could plot and laugh with them, he could attend all their classes and help them, but he couldn’t cause destruction or draw unnecessary attention.

He pretended to read when his friends caused too much trouble. If he didn’t have them, he didn’t have anything. 

On the full moon, he tried to maintain every bit of humanity until the wolf took over and forced it away. He scratched himself, smashed everything in the Shack, did anything to keep the howls and violence inside of him. No one else should have to suffer because of what he was.

When his friends joined him, it was easier. He wasn’t a trapped animal. He was among equals. They had a rat to grant them passage, a stag to keep him in line, and a dog to snap at his heels and make him play.

This, the rush of adrenaline, was almost like the best of their nights under the full moon. This, though, didn’t have the burden of the wolf’s body. This was his body, his hands, his decision, even if he didn’t know what it meant.

What he knew was that this, whatever it was, made the ache in his chest go away, if only for a short time. 

Sirius’ lips were hot against his neck. 

Remus’ fingers curled at his sides, cool against the warmth of Sirius’ skin. 

Whether in the creaking chill of the Shrieking Shack or the darkness of whatever space they could find, Sirius was always warm. He was the brightest star in the sky, making Remus see flashes when he closed his eyes. 

They were fast. They left no time for heartfelt confessions or emotional discussions. 

Sirius’ lips paused by his ear to give a suggestion and within moments, they were scarring his skin. These marks, unlike the ones hidden under his shabby clothes, weren’t made himself. They also couldn’t be explained to others, they also held potentially dangerous secrets, but there was comfort in someone else leaving a trace.

It was proof that he wasn’t alone. 

“Remus.”

Sirius’ voice was heavy. It held too much and, Remus feared, not enough. He couldn’t handle it if their expectations didn’t match. He couldn’t handle losing Sirius, one of his best friends, or losing this, the thing that made him feel alive.

“It’s all right,” Remus said. He moved his hand down, eliciting a groan from Sirius, and bared more of his neck. “Don’t stop.”

The fire on his neck told him that Sirius didn’t plan on stopping anytime soon.

\--

_A friend to all is a friend to none_

Remus wasn’t sure if anyone in the room really breathed until the flames roared and Sirius appeared in the room. A moment later, Lily followed, brushing the ash from her jumper. They were both windswept and unsteady, but their clothes held more soot than blood.

It sounded like the house let out a sigh with them. 

Springing up from his chair, James crossed to the fireplace in one long step. Sirius clapped a reassuring hand on his shoulder, but James’ hands went to Lily’s. 

“Evans,” James breathed, relief obvious in his tone. After a short inspection, he tugged her toward him. Her arms went around him, gripping his clothes like a lifeline. 

“It’s Potter now,” she said against his shoulder.

The reminder, for once, didn’t make any of them smile.

James ran a hand over her hair and kissed her forehead. Lily nodded and brushed her thumb over his cheek. Wordlessly, Lily and James seemed to reach an agreement. James put a protective arm around Lily and drew her to his side. 

When she let him, Remus knew things were serious.

Possibly more serious than they had ever been.

“What happened?” James asked. His question was pointed to Sirius.

“They knew,” he answered simply.

For a few long beats, the meaning of the words didn’t stick. Remus rewound and played them again in his mind, but they still didn’t have the impact he knew they should.

“How did they -”

“Someone told them,” Lily said. She put her hand over James’ and squeezed. “Someone... someone in the Order has to be telling them things. Things they shouldn’t know.”

“What are you saying?” Peter asked, voice hushed.

“A spy.” Remus met Lily’s eyes and felt the sinking realization that was reflected in them. She nodded once, enough for him to know that he was right. “There’s a spy.”

Peter gave a fearful squeak. Remus couldn’t blame him.

“No way,” James said immediately. 

“I don’t know what else it could be, Prongs. Lily and I barely -” He shook his head. “They knew exactly where we’d be. We couldn’t do anything but get out of there. Someone has to be telling them -”

“No,” James insisted again. “Maybe they found out another way. There’s no way that any of us went running to the Death Eaters.”

“What if someone did?” Peter asked. “If someone in the Order, someone with connections to them, is telling them -”

“No. I don’t believe it.”

“James,” Lily said softly. 

“We should go home,” James said. He ran a frustrated hand through his hair. “Even if you’re both all right, you should rest. It’s been a long day.”

“I’ll tell Dumbledore what happened,” Sirius offered. “Maybe he’ll have a better idea. Maybe... Well, maybe he’ll know what to do.”

James nodded, though the tension in his jaw was obvious. “Stay safe, Padfoot.”

“Get Evans home. She saved my life about three times today.”

Lily smiled fondly at him. She reached out a hand to touch his arm. “Like you would always do for me.” It made both Sirius and James noticeably relax.

Something in the gesture made the ache in Remus’ chest crack. 

As they cleared out of the room, Remus stared at the place Sirius left.

Despite James’ denial, Remus knew their theory held truth. In the past few months, the Death Eaters had a distinct advantage. Any time they found a sliver of information, the Death Eaters found more. Every time they took a few steps forward, another person would come back wounded or worse. 

Someone in the Order was passing along their secrets. Someone most likely, who, like Peter said, had connections to them. 

Sirius’ aristocratic features came to mind like a taunt.

 _When we are young,_ Remus thought, _they assume we know nothing._

\--

_You drew stars around my scars, but now I’m bleeding_

Remus could feel the tension mount from that night. 

They met for banter and drinks less. They didn’t chance cab rides in random cars or go to downtown bars. Every gathering of their friends, no matter how happy the occasion was supposed to be, was tinged with desperation and worry over the freshest piece of information.

Lily and James had news of their own.

In any other circumstance, it would have been all they could talk about. It should have been all they could talk about. 

Despite the extra weight added to their shoulders, Lily beamed when she told them. She put her hand over her stomach and looked at James like it was their wedding day again. 

Remus was inclined to agree that Lily rivaled her wedding pictures on the day Harry was born. She held him close, counting his fingers a dozen times and kissing the same spot on his forehead over and over again. 

They named Sirius his godfather. 

Remus hoped they were right when he wasn’t.

Dumbledore stopped by their home. It was hard to imagine the greatest wizard in the same room as Harry’s pram. They were pale after the meeting, but their decision was made.

The Potters went into hiding.

Remus couldn’t think about what happened beyond short summaries of the events. It made his skin crawl with anxiety and his mind spin. 

His best friends, the most loyal and bravest people he knew, were hidden away. Though he knew them well enough and visited often enough to know that staying in one place was frustrating for them, there wasn’t anything else they could do. 

He tried to carry the happy moments with him. The Death Eaters were winning, Lily always said, if they were able to destroy their hope.

While tracking down a new pack of werewolves or sitting on an Order patrol, Remus would think of his visits. Lily clapping Harry’s small hands together. James helping Harry fly and predicting that he would be the youngest house Quidditch player in a century. Harry learning to smile or laugh or a hundred small things that made each visit new.

He tried not to think about the growing fracture between him and Sirius.

It was harder in the moments when they tried to pretend that nothing was wrong.

“He hasn’t found them,” Sirius said by way of greeting. 

Remus nodded and let him into the cramped flat. “How are they?”

“They’re fine. Dumbledore still has Prongs’ cloak, but maybe that’s for the best. He’s always trying to -” Sirius shook his head. “Maybe we won’t have to worry about it so much soon.”

“What do you mean?” Remus busied himself with the kettle. 

“It’s been a lot of luck so far,” Sirius answered, talking more to himself than Remus, “but I found something we can do. Something so we aren’t sitting around, waiting for the Death Eaters to show up at their door.”

“What?”

Sirius stopped his increasingly frantic pacing and faced Remus. He blinked a few times and looked away. “I can’t tell you.”

Anger surged in Remus’ chest. 

It was uncomfortable, but it was also a little welcome. He couldn’t remember feeling something so violent and true in so long. News of the Potters was met with grim relief. Tragedy from the Order was met with resignation. 

This was a fire. This was real. 

“Why not? Do you think I’m -”

They both froze. 

The accusation hung between them. It was an unwelcome guest but one they couldn’t completely ignore. They danced around it for months, never using each other as a sounding board for their theories. They worried about their friends and made tea and kept each other company in Remus’ room when they needed it, but they didn’t talk about this.

“I have to do this for them,” Sirius said finally. “I have to keep them safe.”

“And you don’t think that’s what I want too?” Remus replied. The flame was already flickering, dimming to cold reality. 

The kettle whistled.

“I can’t stay,” Sirius said. “I have to - I have to go.”

“Go, then,” Remus answered. He poured the water over his tea bag, his hand shaking. “Don’t let me stop you.”

It would have hurt less if Sirius let the door slam.

\--

_I knew you tried to change the ending_

Remus thought he knew what lonely felt like.

While the rest of his world rejoiced, he realized that all of his past, everything that happened before this, was preparation. He had a few years of best friends and laughter, but it wasn’t meant for him. He wasn’t meant to have full access to life like others did.

And, even worse, his failures ended his friends’ lives too.

If he had been braver, if he had said what he was thinking, if he had done something, he wouldn’t be reading these headlines. 

Sirius knew him well enough to know how to hurt him. He knew that suspicions about Remus’ loyalty would be enough to keep him silent. He knew that the idea of his friends, the people who had made even full moons bearable, thinking the worst of him would paralyze him.

It let Sirius get close enough to ruin everything.

For the wizards outside this flat, life was easier. They celebrated in the streets and let the muggles think what they would. They praised the fall of the Dark Lord and toasted to a baby in hushed voices. They said the names like they belonged to celebrities instead of living, breathing, loving people. Like their sacrifice was nothing compared to the victory it won.

_Dark Lord Falls!_

That was what the _Daily Prophet_ said, but he repeated the details found lower in the article a dozen times in his head.

_Lily and James Potter murdered. Their son, Harry Potter, found alive. The baby’s exact whereabouts unknown but placed into the protection of his family._

_His family,_ Remus noted, letting his finger drift to the next headline. 

The article meant Lily’s sister, he knew, but Harry had another family. This shouldn’t have happened, Lily and James shouldn’t be dead, but if they were... 

They had decided where they wanted Harry to go.

As much as it hurt, Remus couldn’t blame Dumbledore’s choice. When the options were an unemployed werewolf, a friend murdered on the street, and the reason for all of this, Remus could understand why there was nowhere else for Harry to go.

Sirius chose his family - his blood family - in the end.

He swore to protect James with his life, but his promises didn’t mean anything. He swore to defend the Order and fight against the dark arts, but they reached him. The Blacks were some of the worst of his supporters. Remus should have known better.

He _did_ know better.

But he hadn’t done anything about it. He suspected Sirius but let doubt stop him. Sirius boxed him out of their plans, and he let them. Sirius got the key to the Potters and handed it to Voldemort, knowing what would happen. 

And now James and Lily were dead. Peter was dead. Sirius was in Azkaban.

And Remus was alone. 

\--

_I knew you’d haunt all of my what ifs_

Dumbledore arrived at the same time as the paper. 

Remus grabbed the news from the owl and gave it one of his last coins. The bird gave a hoot of approval and took off from the windowsill. With the paper still rolled in his hand, Remus crossed the room and opened the door.

“Headmaster,” he greeted, gripping the doorknob.

“Remus,” Dumbledore replied, “you may want to read that before we speak.”

Remus followed Dumbledore’s blue gaze to the paper and unfurled it. He didn’t really need to read the headline when the photograph of Sirius’ snarling face moved. 

He threw the paper away from him like it scorched his skin. Like that would stop the news from being true. 

“It appears that Sirius Black has managed to escape from Azkaban,” Dumbledore said seriously. His tone didn’t change with this information as if he had practice giving this sort of news. Likely, he did. “Remus, I believe you’re the best person to have at Hogwarts right now.”

“What? What does that have to do with anything?”

“Once again, I have an opening in the Defense Against the Dark Arts position.” A beat. “I’m asking if you would be willing to fill it.”

“What could I do? Hogwarts is -”

Dumbledore nodded. “I believe some extra measures should be taken this term. While I do not agree with all of the Ministry’s efforts…” Remus could only imagine what they proposed. “I agree that additional steps need to be taken, especially to ensure the safety of Harry Potter.”

Harry Potter.

Lily and James’ son.

The last thing between Sirius and his sick goal. If he escaped, it had to be to finish what he started. Of everyone still alive, Remus knew Sirius best.

The thought made him sick. He was most valuable because he let a mass murderer get close to him. He was helpful to Dumbledore because he thought that he understood Sirius at one point. 

No matter how distasteful, Dumbledore had a point. 

He would do what he could. He couldn’t save Lily and James, but he would help save Harry. 

“Yes, Professor Dumbledore,” Remus said. “I’ll take the position.”

\--

_I knew I’d curse you for the longest time_

Remus watched the Map. 

Throughout the term, he got closer and closer to solving the puzzle. He picked up pieces and looked at them several ways when they didn’t fit. He asked questions but didn’t make a fuss. He needed to know everything before he could make any moves.

He solved this puzzle once, along with the Ministry and the rest of wizarding Britain. He saw the signs - betrayal, murder, an explosion. He pieced them together and reached the same story everyone else did. 

Someone betrayed the Potters. 

It would make the most sense for them to trust James’ best friend. It was logical to think they left their secret to the person they named to care for their son.

But what if a finger wasn’t all of what was left of Peter Pettigrew?

The Map never lied.

If Harry saw Peter on the Map, he was there. 

Remus yawned but made himself scan the Map again. There was something he was missing. Once he found it, he would know what happened the night James and Lily were killed. He would know everything they kept from him.

He would be able to make sure Harry was safe.

The dots moved.

Remus sat upright. He recognized the importance of all the names.

He knew what to do. 

Springing into action, he grabbed his wand and a cloak and ran out of his office. 

It had been nearly thirteen years. He couldn’t waste any more time. 

As the idea of facing Sirius again consumed him, Remus didn’t notice the potion sitting on the corner of his desk, glass full and still undrunk. 

\--

_And I knew you’d come back to me_

Voldemort was back.

After a year of stoked fear and worry for Harry’s safety, it happened. Even as they suspected that something was brewing, they couldn’t imagine all of this. They couldn’t imagine sending Harry into a maze and watching him come out with his classmate’s body and a horrifying tale.

The worst had happened.

 _Maybe not the worst,_ Remus thought selfishly. Harry escaped. He was still alive. Remus hadn’t failed Lily and James completely.

The news from Dumbledore was followed almost immediately by a sharp rap on his door. Remus stood and put his hand over his wand’s handle in his pocket. 

It didn’t feel like paranoia.

After a double take at the peephole, Remus nearly tore the door off its hinges. 

“Come inside,” he said, dragging Sirius into the flat. His wrist was thin enough for Remus’ fingers to meet on the other side. “Someone might see you. What are you thinking?”

“Dumbledore told me to lie low.”

“And you think an escaped murderer showing up on a wizard’s doorstep is lying low?”

The ache in his chest dulled a little when Sirius gave him a crooked grin. “I wanted to make sure you’d open the door. Would I have a better chance as Padfoot?”

“You’d be less likely to get arrested then.”

“Moony -”

“Don’t.” 

Sirius nodded and shoved his hands in his pockets. 

He still looked more like the prisoner in the headlines than the boy Remus remembered. His cheekbones were prominent and his clothes hung off him, telling the story of the past year. Sirius stayed close to Harry when he could, Remus knew, but he didn’t let himself think about all that entailed. 

He didn’t let himself think about much at all.

He acted on instinct. The last time he tried to think about things, they ended with world shattering news and thirteen years of darkness. When he followed what should have made sense instead of what happened, he believed Sirius betrayed the people he loved most for a family who hated him.

Remus grabbed a fistful of Sirius’ shirt and pulled him against him.

He wouldn’t wait for Sirius to initiate it this time. 

He wouldn’t wait for the ache in his chest to get so painful that they were a secret they wouldn’t even tell themselves. 

He would live, really live, for the first time since Lily and James died. 

Sirius responded, putting a hand on either side of Remus’ face and holding him there. He kissed him back, alighting a flame that spread from his fractured heart to the ends of his fingers and tips of his toes.

He would fall into Sirius, as dangerous as a fire and comforting as an old cardigan. He would try, even if it was impossible, to ease the ache that followed him. He would kiss Sirius and not let their own shame or doubts make them hide from themselves. 

This time, Remus would let it heal them.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on Tumblr @women-inthe-sequel!


End file.
